


A freak like me

by Killjoy413



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-09 13:59:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4351553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killjoy413/pseuds/Killjoy413
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock plays it off like he has no emotions, but, we both know that's not quite true (haha I made a reference) Sherlock struggles with his emotions and feelings for John<br/>Will John reciprocate Sherly's feelings?</p><p>WARNING:  this involves depression, self harm, an eating disorder, anxiety, etc.  Please Be careful reading I don't want anyone to be triggered and do something they might regret.<br/>stay strong, my fabulous killjoys<br/>(10 points if you get that reference)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

*Sherlock's POV*

I, Sherlock Holmes, am in love with my flatmate, my best friend, John Watson. I wish he would hug me, kiss me, and tell me he loves me too. I sigh, I know that'll never happen.

"Sherlock!" I hear John yell, I look up from my microscope "yes, John?"

"I was trying to talk to you about this case" he said through gritted teeth.

"I solved it" I stand up looking John up and down. he looks good, even though he had another night terror. _I wish I could help him through them, be wrapped in his arms, to at least be next to him and give him a little bit of comfort._

"It's only been an hour!" John was frustrated. "I solved it a half hour ago. It was the step brother" John sighs then smiles

"I'll text Lestrade for you" I look down "thank you" I only ever say thank you to John and Mrs.Hudson, John makes tea and I retreat to my room; I lay in my bed.

_You're right to know that'll never happen, a freak like you will never be loved. You're lucky he has put up with you for this long, how long will he stay? Another week? Another month?_

The voice goes off in my head, a tear slips down my face.

 _You're a worthless freak!_ The voice screams, I pick up my blade from the spot in my dresser. I take off my shirt and look in the mirror. I have scars and cuts all over my arms and stomach. I take off my trousers and pants, so I'm now naked.

My thighs and upper legs are also covered in scars and cuts. _Look how disgusting and fat you are!_ The voice screams, I make one deep cut on each leg and then add two more to each leg. The blood runs down my legs.

Tears are streaming down my face, I make 3 deep cuts on each arm. The blood is running down my arms, the blood pooling at my feet. My head starts to feel dizzy so I quickly grab the gauze and wrap the cuts up.

Once I have the cuts bandaged up, I lay on my bed crying. _Look at weak you are, look at how much of a disappointment you are, everyone will leave you, no one loves you._

I lay in my bed for 27 minutes feeling numb. Finally I get up and carefully put my clothes on, I dabbed the blood on the carpet with some tissues. Another stain, well no one but me is ever in my room so it doesn't matter.

I walk into the lounge and sit on the sofa. "you were on there for a while, I thought I heard crying..." I look up at him "you thought wrong" I say my voice cracking slightly. He walks over to me

"Sherlock, your eyes are red and puffy, and your voice just cracked, I know you were crying. I'm always here for you and I will always be here for you."

I look down and say nothing, what am I supposed to say 'John, I love you and that's why I was crying; cause I know you will never love a freak like me.'? No I couldn't say that. John rested his hand in my hair before going back to sitting in his chair.


	2. Chapter 2

*Sherlock's POV*

We sat in silence for a while, an hour an 24 minutes and that's when John spoke "want to get carry out and watch a movie?"

I look up from my phone "sure, but I'm not hungry." John looked at me worriedly "Sherlock, you have not eaten in 5 days, you need to eat, please, for me." I bite my lip

"okay, fine, what do you want to get?  Also, what do you want to watch?" John stood up

"Chinese? And a romcom?" I reaised an eyebrow "a romcom?"

John blushed slightly he's blushing? But why? "I like romcoms every now and again, we can get a different kind of movie if you want."

I look back to my phone "no, no, a romcom is fine." John walk to the door "I'll be back with food and a movie." And with that John walked out of the flat.

Soon John returned with two bags, one with the movie and one with food. John handed me the food while he put the movie in. I opened the two boxes, one was sweet and sour pork and the other was almond chicken.

John sat down down and took the sweet and sour pork. _I guess that means the almond chicken is mine, not like it really matters, I'm not gonna eat much anyway._ John ate silently as he we watched the movie.

I picked at my food barely eating. The movie is good, it's about a couple falling in love and blah blah blah, what surprised me is that the couple is gay.

I didn't think John would pick a gay movie. If John picked a gay movie does that mean he is - on some level - attracted to men? Obviously picking out and watching a gay movie, does not mean that you are gay.

 _Even if John was into men, he wouldn't be into me._ I inaudibly sigh. About half way through the movie my back starts to ache from sitting in the same position, so I naturally laid down. It wasn't until John started playing with my curls that I realized that my head was in his lap.

"I'm sorry, I can move it you're uncomfortable with this." John chuckled "It's fine Sherlock, I don't have a problem with this" I nuzzled into John as he ran his hands through my hair. At some point I fell asleep, when I woke up in John's arms on the sofa.

I sat up  and smiled at how cute John is sleeping and kissed his cheek. I pulled a blanket over him before I went to my room. I carefully striped before crawling in bed wishing I was wrapped in John's arms. I fell asleep thinking about my John.

 


	3. Chapter 3

I sighed as I texted Lestrade and Sherlock went to his room. _Why does he have to be so cute?_ I made some tea...then I heard a sob? No that can't be right, Sherlock crying? Sobbing? That's not Sherlock.

Then I hear it again, I walk quietly to his bedroom door and put my ear to the wood. I heard the crying. _Sherlock is crying, but why?_ About a half hour later Sherlock came out of his room, he looks so drained.

I walk over to him. "you were on there for a while, I thought I heard crying..." He looks down and say nothing, I rested my hand in his hair before going back to sitting in my chair. He looks up at me "you thought wrong" his voice cracks slightly.

"Sherlock, your eyes are red and puffy, and your voice just cracked, I know you were crying. I'm always here for you and I will always be here for you." We sat in silence for a while, I couldn't take it anymore so I spoke up.

"want to get carry out and watch a movie?" He look up from his phone "sure, but I'm not hungry." I look at him worriedly "Sherlock, you have not eaten in 5 days, you need to eat, please, for me." He bites his lip. _well that is really hot..._

"okay, fine, what do you want to get? Also what do you want to watch?" I stood up "Chinese? And a romcom?" Sherlock reaised an eyebrow "a romcom?"

I blushed slightly. _I know I know, romcoms are for girls, but I like them._ "I like romcoms every now and again, we can get a different kind of movie if you want." He looks back to his phone "no, no, a romcom is fine." I walk to the door "I'll be back with food and a movie."

I closed the door to the flat and hailed a cab. I made the order for the food and wnt to the video store. _What kind of movie should I get? Oh, this movie sounds good...I wonder how Sherlock will react to it?_

I returned with two bags, one with a movie and one with food. I handed Sherlock the food while I put the movie in. I sat down and took the sweet and sour pork. I ate silently while we watched the movie.

 _This movie is good, I didn't think it would actually be this good. I wonder what Sherlock thinks of it..._ I glance at him then look back at the screen. _He didn't say anything about it being a gay movie...that's got to be a decent sign, right?_

About half way through the movie Sherlock lays down, so I start playing with his curls. I don't know why his head is in my lap, but I'm not going to question it. "I'm sorry, I can move it you're uncomfortable with this." Sherlock says and I chuckle "It's fine Sherlock, I dont have a problem with this"

Sherlock nuzzled into me as I ran my hands through his hair. At some point Sherlock fell asleep, I smiled down at him. I put my arms around him, I bent down and kissed his forehead.

I leaned back and closed my eyes, this probably will never happen again. That fact made me sad, _I wish I could show Sherlock how much I love him_... I Fell asleep, happy to have Sherlock in my arms.


	4. Chapter 4

*Sherlock's POV*

I woke up at six am _I'm tired... Need coffee._  I slowly got dressed and walked to the kitchen.

As I make a pot of coffee I notice that John is just waking up. "Coffee, John?" I ask, he rubs his eyes and looks up at me. _Fuck, that's adorable..._

"Yes, please" he says tiredly. I pour our cups then sit on the sofa with him, we sip our coffee is silence.

"Lestrade called he has a case for us" I said as I went to put my empty mug in the sink. "Yeah, yes, let me go change and we can leave" he sets his mug down on the table and goes to his room.

We get in the cab and head to the crime scene. _He's so close, just a few inches away... I look at John his eyes are beautiful, his lips are so kissable...._ I bite my lip and turn away.

We are finally at the crime scene. We get out and walk to the body, Donovan sees us... "The freak's here" she calls out. _Human error, human error, human error._

I walk up to Lestrade and he starts babbling right away "his name is Andrew, 33, blunt force trauma" I examine the body then move so John can too. Once he's done I turn to Lestrade "his boss did it, the weapon is in his garage" and with that I walk out the door and get a cab.

John gets in the cab and we head off home ... _that was rather boring_ "That was brilliant" John says with a smile. I blush and look away "not really"

we are silent the rest of the way home. We walk into the flat and I flop down on the sofa. _Fuck...I'm bored_. I look over at John, he's on his laptop.

 _I wish I could just kiss him._ I smile. _But that'll never happen, no one would want to kiss a worthless freak like you._ I frown. I suddenly get up and go to my room. _Worthless. Freak. Smartarse. Psychopath. Unlovable. Waste of space. Fag. Kill yourself._

I have tears in my eyes, it hurts, I need release. I shakily grab my blade I take off my shirt and grab my stomach. _Fat. Ugly. Disgusting._

I raise my arm up and bring it down The skin around it puffs, red like wine and the blood beads up, perfectly in a crimson dotted line. It tingles and burns at first, But then it feels good so that only the worse, My body is in pain, but my mind is at ease.

It feels so good and my mind asks for one more cut,

please.

One turns to two and two to four at this point I keep cutting more There's no stopping myself from the warmness flowing through, Everyone else is happy why can't I be too?

the blood starts to drip, and roll on my skin and a smile appears on my lips. By now I made 10 deep cuts and 5 shallow cuts. the blood is rolling down my stomach, and I start to fill dizzy. I quickly bandage them up and lay on my bed.

_I'm tiered...._


	5. Chapter 5

*Sherlock's POV*

I wake up an hour and 17 minutes later. I slowly sit up and look at the clock: 6:34pm. I stand up and walk into the sitting room after I smooth out my clothes.

John is sitting on his chair on is laptop. I sit on the sofa and read the news paper. Nothing interesting is in the paper, so I set the paper down and stare at John.

 "Is there something you want?" John asks glancing at me then back to his laptop. _I want you to kiss me and tell me how much you love me so I can do the same_

"no, I'm just bored...that movie last night was good." I say as I smile a bit. John looks over at me "it was good" he agrees.

 _He's so cute, I wish I could kiss him, that'll never happen, he'd never love a worthless freak._ I look down, sadness washing over my body, it gets hard to breathe.

I stand up and walk to my room with out another word. I lay on my bed and let the tears come out as I try to breathe. _Why am I so weak!?_ I lay in my bed for 15 minutes trying to calm down, but I can't.

I grab my hidden shoe box. I look inside, blades and some drugs... I grab a blade. A double sided razor blade....my best friend and worse enemy. Tears silently slip down my face. I take off his shirt to reveal my arms and stomach full of scars.

I think of John, _he would probably move out and want nothing to do with me if he knew how fucked up I am._ I put the corner of the blade to my wrist -I found out years ago the corner of the blade cuts deeper- making an deep gash in my arm.

I repeat this until my lower arm is covered in deep cuts. I watch the blood flow from my wrist, when I start to feel dizzy, I sanitize the cuts then bandage them up and put the blade away. I focus on the physical pain rather than the emotional pain.

Soon I feel both the physical and emotional pain, I just want it to stop. I open the box again, I grab a needle and a small bottle. It hurts to move my arm but it'll be worth it.

I fill the needle with speedball, coke and morphine, though heroin can be used instead of morphine, I like speedball with morphine more. _It's been so long since I've used...._ I place the needle in the vain on the inside of my elbow.

I look at my track marks as I inject myself with the drug. My eyes roll closed as the drug takes effect. The needle falls from my arm as I smile lazily. I go a bit numb and I don't feel my depression.

I lay there for about 10 minutes, then I pick up the needle and put it in the box which I put away. Since John was out if the flat, I put on a long sleeve shirt and walk back out and sit on the sofa and space out.

I don't know how long I just sat there but all of a sudden I hear "Sherlock! Are you listening to me?" John yells, I blink and see that he is right in front of me. "Oh.... yeah"

I say as he looks deep in my eyes. I bite my lip, _don't look at me like that or I won't help but kiss you._ "Sherlock, are...are you high?" I look away not answering. John grabs my face and makes me look at him "answer me!" He says angrily.

I lick my lips and look down at his lips. When I look back up to his eyes I see worry and anger. "I...n...m...y" I try to answer but I can't. I can't tell him the truth but I can't lie to him either. John sits down next to me and sighs.

"Why?" John asks sadly. It's my turn to sigh "I wanted the pain to go away" I whisper without meaning to.

John looks up at me "what pain?" I look down "I....I just want my depression to go away...." I tear up. _I guess I'm talking now.... This is where I lose John forever_.


	6. Chapter 6

*Sherlock's POV*

John puts his hand on my knee, a confurting gesture. "Do you know what it's like to wake up from a good nights sleep and feel exhausted, not having any motivation to move from bed, just wanting to die?" I ask

John looks at me sadly and shakes his head no, not really knowing what to say. I glance at him then back down. _I can't do this!_ I can't breathe, I'm gonna vomit...

I sigh "n-nevermind" I say standing up and going to my room. Before I can get all the way in my room John grabs my hand "Sherlock, please, talk to me" I bite my lip, I don't know what to say....

He let's go of my hand -to my disappointment- and sits on my bed with me. "I've always been a freak, it didn't take long for the kids at school to find that out. I was hated and bullied..... They were relentless. By the time I got to secondary school I realized what they have been saying is true." A tear slips from my eye

"even after I got to uni, after uni, no one ever changed. I'm just a worthless unlovable freak" I say putting my head in my hands. I suddenly feel arms around me, I look up to see John is hugging me.

I blush slightly as he says "you are none of those things Sherlock, you areabsolutely amazing." He pulls back some so he can look in my eyes, I blush harder and look down. He gently grabs my chin and makes me look at him.

"You are the most amazing, beautiful, smartest man I have ever met" he says blushing a bit. We are so close, I look at his lips then back into his eyes. _Is it me or is he leaning forward.....? Wait, I'm the one who is leaning forward._

I feel my lips against his, they are soft, like I always imagined. _Wait....he's not kissing back...shit!_ I pull back abruptly and stutter "I-I'm sorry" before quickly leaving the flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short.... Hoped you liked it!


	7. Chapter7

*John's POV*

I listen to Sherlock as he talks, I can't believe someone as beautiful and brilliant as Sherlock could think so lowly of himself. I would have never guessed, I mean I knew he got picked on by some people from the Scotland Yard, and probably when he was in school too, but he's always so full of himself, so cocky...

Suddenly his lips are on mine. _Wait, is Sherlock is kissing me?_ His lips feel nice, like I always imagined. He suddenly pulls way and stutters "I-I'm sorry" as he quickly leaves the flat. _Shit! Why didn't I kiss back?!_ I run after him. I need to make sure he's okay, I need to kiss him, to show him how much I love him, show him how amazing he truly is.

*Sherlock's POV*

I run to the park down the street and sit on a bench. I put my head in my hands. "I'm so stupid!" I whisper to myself. _Of course he didn't kiss back, why would he want to kiss a fat ugly piece of shit?_

As much as I try to hold it in, a tear rolls down my face, followed by another and another. I guess it's a good thing not a lot of people come to this part of the park.

"Sherlock, oh thank god" I hear someone say as they sit next to me. I look up and see John, I quickly wipe my tears.

"I'm sorry John, I sh-shouldn't have..." I trail off, John rests his hand on mine. "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry you don't see how amazing you truly are." John says pulling me lightly into a hug.

I bite my inner cheek hard to hold back tears. "I'm not amazing in the slightest, I'm a fat, ugly, worthless freak." I whisper. John pulls back and cups my face in his hands.

"Sherlock, you are not a freak, you are absolutely beautiful, and you most certainly are not worthless or fat in the slightest." He says before leaning in and kissing me.

I let some tears fall from my eyes as I slowly kiss him back. He pulls back all to soon and stands up "why don't we go back to the flat, yeah?" I nod and stand up too. We walk back to the flat together in silence.

Once we get back to the flat John looks at me. "Where is it?" He asks as I give him a puzzled look.

He sighs "The drugs, Sherlock, where are they? I'm tossing them out" he states and I look down.

"Tea, do you want some? I'm gonna make some tea" I try changing the subject as I turn to go to the kitchen. He grabs my wrist and I cringe in pain. He looks at me confused, I go to move my arm away but before I can, he pulls up my sleeve.

"Sherlock..." He breathes in shock, I try to pull my arm away but he keeps a firm grasp on my hand. He pulls me into the bathroom and tells me to sit on the edge of the tub, and I do. He leaves and comes back a second later with a first aid kit.

"I need you to take off your shirt" he says as he opens the kit. I shake my head "no, no this ridiculous, I can take care of myself" I try to get up but he pushes me back on the tub edge.

"You're right, this is ridiculous, someone so smart to do something so stupid like taking a blade to their own skin! Now take off your shirt so I can properly tend to your wounds" John says clearly upset.

I look into his eyes, which was a mistake, I can never say no to those beautiful brown eyes. I sigh and unbutton my shirt. I slowly take it off, feeling so exposed. I watch as John looks over my torso.

The scars all over my fat stomach, scars going down to the waist band of my trousers. The scars all over my upper arms, some very deep, some barely noticeable, the scars going down to my wrists where the new deep cuts are.

*John's POV*

Sherlock takes off his shirt and my breath hitches in my throat. Sherlock was definitely underweight. I see the scars all over his too thin stomach, scars going down to the waist band of his trousers.

The scars all over his upper arms, some very deep, some barely noticeable, the scars going down to his wrists where the new deep cuts are.

"Oh Sherlock" I mumble as I go into doctor mode and treat his wounds. Once I'm done I bring him in for a hug "I'm so sorry Sherlock, I'm here now, you have me and I'm not going anywhere"

*Sherlock's POV*

"I'm so sorry Sherlock, I'm here now, you have me and I'm not going anywhere" John whispers as he hugs me, I can't help it and I let some tears fall.

He pulls away and softly kisses me "I still want to know where your hiding those drugs" I sigh _I guess my stash is being thrown out, damn._


	8. Chapter 8

*Sherlock's POV*

Once I told John where the box under my bed was he took it and chucked it. He then told me it was going to be okay, we'd talk about it more tomorrow and that it was late and we needed sleep.

That brings me to now, shaking and sobbing quietly in my bed.

 _I can't do this! I need to make it stop!_ I chock on a sob.

_You should make it stop, Sherlock. You're a worthless piece of shit! You deserve all the pain you feel! You let John see how weak you are, now he's going to leave you, like everyone else did!_

I shake helplessly, I take a few deep breaths hoping, to no avail, to calm down. I stand up and hesitantly walk to my closet. I grab a ring sized box and open it.

Unlike the shoe box that was under my bed, this only has one with in it. I take out the blade and hold it shakily. I go into the bathroom and run a bath. Once I get in the bath, the sobs calm down a bit.

_Do it, you freak! You deserve this! This is all your fault! No one loves you! No one will miss you! Die! Worthless! Fuck up! Freak! Fag! Piece of shit! Fat! Ugly! Gross! Die! Die! Die!_

I drag the blade deep down my wrist, following my vain as I do the same to my other wrist. I groan in pain loudly as blood quickly falls into the water. My vision blurs and my mind gets fuzzy.

Suddenly the door bursts open and John comes in, I thinks it's just an hallucination, yeah, it has to be. "I'm sorry John, I love you" I say to the hallucination before everything goes completely black.

*John's POV*

I toss and turn but I just can't sleep. I hear the bath start up. I look at the clock, _a bath at 3:00 am? That sounds odd, I better make sure Sherlock is okay._

I get up and walk down the stairs, I walk past the kitchen and raise my hand to knock when I hear a groan of pain. _Oh god..._

I knock on the door and get no response, I knock again and still no response. I try the handle and luckily it's unlocked. I barge in and what I see breaks me.

Sherlock is laying in the tub naked, deep cuts follow the vains in his wrists. "I'm sorry John, I love you" is what pulls me back into reality.

I have to call 999 quickly, he's lost too much blood. I quickly call for an ambulance as I try to stop the bleeding. I manage to subdue the bleeding a bit, and the ambulance should be here soon.

 _I can't loose him, I love him, I can't loose him, I love him._ Those two thoughts keep going though my head as I wait for the ambulance. Once it gets here I get in the back as the EMTs bring Sherlock in and drive for the hospital.

 _He looks so pale, so dead..._ I wipe some hair form his face "It's okay, Sherlock. I'm here, I'm not leaving. I love you" I whisper before kissing his forehead. Once we get to the hospital I'm forced to wait in the waiting room. I pull out my phone and dial one number.

"John, do you know what time it is?"

"Why is John calling so late?"

His voice is riddled with sleep, and there's another voice... Is that Lestrade?

"It's Sherlock, Mycroft, he's in the hospital..." I break off letting out a little sob.

"Shit, I'm on my way" and with that the line goes dead.


	9. Chapter 9

*John's POV*

Soon Mycroft arrives with Lestrade, they come over to me right away and I tell them all of what happened today.

Mycroft sits next to me and puts his head in his hands. Lestrade rubs Mycroft's back, who looks back at me with tears in his eyes.

"I thought he was better, I should've known better" he whispers biting back tears.

He clears his throat and speaks at a normal tone. "Sherlock has struggled from many problems from a young age. Depression, drug addiction, self-harm, an eating disorder, suicidal thoughts..."

He paused taking a deep breath. "This will be his fourth suicide attempt. I thought when Gregory got him off the drugs and got him work, that he'd be better. Then you moved in and I thought all the better. With the work and you, He seemed so happy, so much better." He closes his eyes letting a tear fall before quickly wiping it away.

I stopped trying to hold back tears. _His fourth attempt? Sherlock, the man I love, has been so alone and has needed me. And where the fuck have I been? Just sitting around on my arse!_

"I can't believe Sherlock would think that he's anything less than perfect." I mutter

Mycroft looks at me like he's just put two pieces together. At this point Greg is sitting next to Mycroft and is holding his hand. I've never seen Mycroft look so human before.

"You love him" he states simply, I blink for a second before answering. "Yeah, Of course I do" a few more tears fall from my eyes before I quickly wipe them away.

Soon the doctor comes out and says that he'll be fine, he just needs to heal, he's on a 48 hour suicide watch and we can go see him.

*Sherlock's POV*

I see John, Lestrade, and Mycroft come in my room. I glare at Mycroft, _he's the reason I'm here in this stupid hospital!_ "you know I hate hospitals!"

Mycroft smirks though I can see the pain in his eyes "now now, brother dear, I'm not the one who got you here this time." He looks over at John.

Once I look at John I immediately feel my heart break. He looks like he's been crying. A tear falls down my cheek.

"Gregory, John, mind if I have a minute alone with my brother?" Mycroft asks, they nod and leave. Mycroft sits next to me. I roll my eyes as he looks at me with pure sadness.

_Look at him, you caused that sadness! This is all your fault! You should have planned it out better, you should have cut deeper!_

I close my eyes taking a deep breathe. When I open them again Mycroft is staring out the window next to me. "I want to get you help, we already know therapy won't help-" I cut him off

"I don't need help! I'm fine!" I hiss and he just sighs.

"Sherlock, please hear me out" I know that he'll make me listen to him what he has to say no matter what, so I just stay quiet, when I don't interrupt him again he continues.

"I was thinking that you should be admitted into a rehab center" I shake my head

"absolutely not, I don't need it, I'm perfectly fine" he looks me dead in the eye, I can see tears and all the emotions. Pain, hurt, sadness, worry, sorrow, love.

"You are not fine, this is your fourth attempt, Sherlock! Someone who's fine would not attempt suicide once, let alone four times! You have people who care about you, people who love you. And believe it or not, I am not of those people. You are my little brother, Sherlock, I do love you."

He takes a deep breathe and clears his throat. "I will give you some time to think about it, but if I see fit, I will force you to go"

"You'll probably force me to go anyway" I mutter as he leaves and John comes back. He sits in the chair at stares at me, while I look anywhere but at him.

I can't bring myself to look at him, he looks like he's in so much pain, he's exhausted, he needs sleep. Lestrade looked like we had been crying too. And Mycroft, he was so sad, tears in his eyes... I've never seen him like that....

_I caused all this, this is all my fault. I should have died, everyone is so sad because I failed. Why can't I do anything right? I can't even kill myself, I'm so fucking weak!_

"I'm sorry" is the two words he says that make me look at him. I feel a pain in my chest, he looks so sad.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He has tears in his eyes.

"I do, I should have been there for you, I shouldn't have left you to deal with this alone. I should have held you, told you that it's alright, that I'm here, that I'm not leaving, that you are amazing, that I love you" His voice cracks a bit from trying to hold back the tears and I can't help but let a few tears roll down my cheeks.

I move my arm even though it hurts like hell, I welcome the burning pain like an old friend. I grab his hand and intertwine our fingers together.

"I'm sorry John, I love you so much" I say whipping the tears from his face with my other hand.

_He doesn't really love you, he just pretending, he hates you, he sees how weak you are, you're so weak you can't even kill yourself, you're pathetic!_

He leans in and kisses me "promise me you'll stop this, all of it. I can't loose you" he whispers, I whisper back "I promise"

_You know you can't keep that promise, in fact you have no intention on keeping it at all._


	10. Chapter 10

*Sherlock's POV*

I watch John as he sleeps in the chair, all it took was pretending to be asleep for him to fall asleep. That chair must be so uncomfortable to sleep in.....

 _What am I going to do?_ I think out to the darkness.

**You're going to endure the next 48 hours then you're going to kill yourself, and not fail this time.**

_But what about John? He said he loves me, we could have a real relationship, we could be happy..._

**You believed that shit? Why would anyone love you? No one loves you, no one ever will! Don't you see? You'll never be happy until you're dead.**

_But John makes me happy.... I don't want to leave him. And look at him, he's broken up that I'm here in this hospital bed._

**That's a lie, he's broken up that you're in this hospital bed and not in a body bag in the morgue. This is why you need me, to tell you the truth and not the lies the world feeds you.**

_You're right, I'm pathetic_

I close my eyes and driff off into sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up in the morning to someone talking.

"I know you're asleep, but I just needed you to know that I love you so much. I never want to lose you. Ever."

John's voice breaks as his hand grips mine a bit tighter.

_Fuck, I can't leave him. I need him. He needs me. I know what I have to do._

"You won't loose me. I'm.... I'm going to get help.... Mycroft has a rehab center he wants me to be admitted into.... I'm going to go. I'm going to get help...."

**Wait, what? You can't give in to their lies! Listen to me, I know the truth! They're lying! I have never lied to you, all they do is lie!**

I ignore the voice.

"Really? You're going to get help?"

I nod. John leans down and kisses my cheek.

"I'm so proud of you"

He whispers; I give him a weak smile, I made John proud....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that day Mycroft came to visit, John had told him my decision to get help.

"I pulled a few strings, you will be released today, someone will watch you at all times until tomorrow when we get to the rehab center. Clear?"

I just nodded.

"Good, we'll be leaving in ten. Be ready."

He gives me a tight smile before leaving the room. Which leaves just me and John.

"You ready for this?"

He asks looking worried.

"I am. I should have gotten help so many years ago."

**No, you shouldn't have. You don't need help. You have never needed help, you still don't, and you never will! Can't you see what they're doing? They want you to live their lie! But you can live the truth! That you're nothing but a fuck up you can't do anything right, who should just die! Wouldn't you rather live the truth than a lie?**

I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head to try to stop the words from echoing in my head. John intertwines his fingers with mine and gives me a sad smile.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I haven't updated in forever. I got writers block for this story. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter : 3


	11. Chapter Eleven

*Sherlock's POV*

The ride back to the flat was silent. John stared out the window holding my hand as Mycroft stared at me; me staring right back.

Once we get to the flat I walk in and sit on the sofa. Mycroft stops John at the front of the flat; right in front of the door.

"Do not let him out of your sight. I'll be here with a car at 10 am"

I glance over seeing John nod his head. I sigh, I don't want to be on constant watch but I know I have to be.

John sits down next to me. We end up watching movies; bad movies at that. Somehow John's arms wrapped carefully around me. For the first time in a very long time.... I felt loved. I knew in that moment that getting help was the right decision.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sitting on my bed shirtless, feeling insecure as John changes my bandages. Once he was done he looks over my torso. I try to cover up but he stops me. Looking over all my scars he says

"You are so beautiful. No matter what, you will always be beautiful."

He looks into my eyes and gives me a small smile. I hold back tears I can't remember the last time I was called beautiful....

"I'm no where near beautiful; I'm disgusting,"  I state the truth while looking down at my scars.

I hate them, they're absolutely disgusting and I don't know how John can stomach to even look at me. Nonetheless, John runs his fingers over the scars on my upper arms; looking me in the eye he says with raw emotion.

"You are the most beautiful man I have ever had the good fortune of laying my eyes on. I wish you could see that...."

He leans down pressing a soft kiss to a scar closest to my shoulder. I take a deep breath letting a tear roll down my cheek. He wipes it away with his thumb, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

"Lets get some sleep, love, we have a busy day tomorrow. I need to keep you in my sights at all times so is it alright if I sleep in here?"

I blush nodding my head silently. I lay back getting under the duvet as John strips his jumper and jeans, leaving him in a thin tank top and boxers. I couldn't help but stare a bit.... John had a very nice body...

"Would it make you uncomfortable if I got under the covers?"

He asks gently sitting on the bed. I can't think of why that would make me uncomfortable, I mean, all I want is to get closer to him.

"No, of course not"

He smiles getting under the duvet, wrapping his arms carefully around me.

"Sleep well my beautiful prince"

He's... He's too good for me. I don't deserve this. Any of it. He should be with someone that can actually offer him something. All I'm good for is disappointing people.

"Stop that."

I look up at him confused.

"Stop what?"

"Stop thinking." He caresses my cheek. "You're thinking too loudly. Clear your mind and sleep."

He says it so softly smoothing back some curls from my forehead. I nod resting my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. I slowly close my eyes letting sleep take over me.

"Goodnight Sherlock"

I hear, the sound vibrating through John's chest. My eyes too heavy to open I mumble.

"Goodnight John"

 


End file.
